Ambler has a leprechaun in her head...

The Beauty and the Beast Adventure of Moony, Padfoot and Prongs (Part One)

2008-06-20T19:44:53Z

Title: The Beauty and the Beast Adventure of Moony, Padfoot and Prongs (Part One)
Author: taraamber
Fandoms: Beauty and the Beast; Harry Potter
Characters: Just look at the title.
Pairing:Do you want me to go there?
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Beauty and the Beast belongs to Disney, the marauders belong to J.K. Rowling, my muse belongs to me, and anyone else belongs to themselves. If you think I am doing this for commercial profits, you need to have your head examined.
Warnings: Sirius crack…I mean, serious crack (okay, actually both), cross dressing, shameless insertion of both muse and author, shameless insertion of requestee. All elements of bad!fic are on purpose or the result of laziness. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Dedication: To fictionalcandie, because she asked for it.
Summary: And spoil the fun?

When Sirius woke up, he was hairy. He would have thought he went to sleep in dog form and woke up furry…but the hair/fur was brown. He had a panicked moment where he thought that maybe Mooney had accidentally bit him, before he realized that he wouldn’t be able to consider such things if that were the case.

He was out of bed and looking around for a mirror when he realized that he was neither at Grimmauld Place, at the Potter’s, or at Hogwarts. The room was large, and rather dirty and ragged looking; the curtains at the windows and hanging about the bed were in rags, and every piece of furniture, except for the bed and a small round table that stood in the middle of the room, was smashed into pieces resembling firewood. A tall rounded glass lid stood on top the table, covering a rose suspended in mid-air. One reddish pink rose petal lay on the table below the rose, giving the impression that it had fallen only moments before.

“How very odd,” Sirius said aloud, and then jumped at how his voice growled. Somewhere to his left he heard cackling, and quickly turned, but there was nothing there, though he could have sworn that he had seen movement out of the corner of his eye.

With no real plan in mind, Sirius left the room, and was not particularly surprised to find that the hallway outside was every bit as neglected looking as the room behind him. He eyed a suit of armor as he passed it, but it remained still and silent. Sirius stifled a feeling of disappointment. It would have been immensely fun to fight an animated suit of armor as a large furry creature, he thought.

He ambled, quite pleased that he was able to walk on two feet instead of all fours, until he reached a grand staircase and spotted a blur of bright yellow in the gloom below. Sirius ran down half the stairs before leaping to the floor below with a satisfying thump. There was a high pitched scream.

“‘ello, Prongs,” Sirius growled with delight. He noted with glee that James looked utterly terrified, and was clutching at his heart, which had the added purpose of holding up the yellow bodice that was drooping off narrow shoulders.

James stared at him for several seconds, before squeaking out, “Padfoot?”

“Doesn’t look like Mooney, does it?” James shook his head warily, and Sirius added as an afterthought, “Wormtail wouldn’t have made so grand an entrance, so it’s got to be me, doesn’t it?”

James didn’t look particularly reassured. “What are you doing looking like that?”

“I could ask you the same question.” Sirius surveyed James from head to toe. James face grew more and more red every second while Sirius took in the yellow ball gown with its off the shoulder sleeves and puffed out skirt. “Prongs,” Sirius said quite seriously, “I had no idea you could look so pretty.” He then dissolved into roars of laughter, which conveniently covered up both cackling from the side of the hallway and giggling from above.

James attempted to look stern, but failed miserably and had to settle for looking more disgruntled than embarrassed. When Sirius had calmed down enough that James could be heard, James shrieked in a manly way, “I woke up this way, and there weren’t any other clothes to change into!”

This sent Sirius into fresh roars of laughter, which once again covered up cackling and giggling. It was not, however, enough to cover up a new voice.

“Prongs?” Remus was striding toward them, looking very much like his usual self. He peered intently at the furry figure convulsing with laughter. “Padfoot?”

“Yes, that’s Padfoot.” James turned his glare on Remus. “What are you doing here, Moony, not looking in the least ridiculous?”

It was clear that until that moment, Remus hadn’t really noticed what James was wearing. Having noticed, Remus was having a very hard time not laughing. “I…” He clamped his hand over his mouth and his shoulders shook.

“Oh, sure, laugh at me. I don’t suppose that once you’ve managed to control yourself you can tell me what the bloody hell is going on?”

Remus shook his head, and dropping his hand, he opened his mouth, then closed it again, evidently not trusting himself to speak.

By this point, Sirius had laughed himself into wheezing, and Remus pounded on his back helpfully while James yanked the bodice of the ball gown back up. The lull in Sirius’s laughter was fortuitous for the three boys, as it allowed them to hear a small voice whispering.

“You should have made him a teapot like I told you too. What’s the point in having a muse if you don’t listen to him, and what’s the point in having him here if he’s not…” the whispering voice trailed off.

“Who’s there?” Remus asked, as James squinted through his glasses into the dark corner where the voice seemed to come from.

Sirius supplied helpfully, “I heard cackling earlier.”

“Wow, Padfoot, that tells us who,” James muttered, clearly bitter that he’d been stuck in a dress while Sirius had been turned into some sort of manly beast.

“Stuff it, Prongs.”

Remus ignored his bickering friends and moved slowly towards the dark corner.

“Wait a minute.” Remus and James looked at Sirius expectantly. “Cackling, now why does that seem familiar?”

James rolled his eyes.

To be continued...

tagged by fictionalcandie

2008-03-17T22:22:48Z

List (in no particular order) ~~ten~~ ~~fifteen~~ ~~twenty~~ many fictional characters you wouldn't kick out of bed and tag five people to do the same.

1.Sirius Black (the one who belong's to fictionalcandie...not that guy from the book or movies)
2.Lance (no, really, he counts--he's in fanfic!)
3.Fred from Angel (she is pretty, oh so pretty, oh so pretty and witty...)
4.Josie from Josie and the Pussycats (she plays guitar and sings!)
5.Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice (though she would kick me out)
6.Melody from Josie and the Pussycats (she plays drums!)
7.Tara and Willow from Buffy (they go together...mwhahaha...though the Ambler says I am bad)

That's all I got. And taraamber says no tagging people. Though if you want to do it and say I tagged you, she can't stop you.

Rodney Ticks (Sheppard is Just Hot), SGA, PG

2007-08-21T23:36:30Z

Title: Rodney Ticks (Sheppard is Just Hot)
Author: taraamber
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis with a side of Beauty and the Beast.
Rating: PG for brief scissor violence.
Pairing: None, really.
Characters: Dr. Radek Zalenka, Dr. Rodney McKay, Major John Sheppard, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Lt. Aiden Ford, Teyla Emmagen, Dr. Carson Beckett
Warning: Crack!fic. Though, unlike the last crack!fic I posted, this is not also bad!fic.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I just decided to have some fun with them.
A/N: This story has been a long time coming. Pretty much from the evening this past spring that I watched Disney's Beauty and the Beast and was struck by the similarities between two of the characters and two characters from SGA. This may be the longest one shot I have written to date, and it sure took me long enough to write. Even if you are only familiar with Beauty and the Beast, you may still enjoy this story. At the very least, I have the satisfaction of knowing that my sister and my Mum get a huge kick out of it. I'm getting a big kick out of the fact that my muse will be ticked that I managed to polish this up while he's on loan.

When Radek entered the lab, the first thing he noticed was a mantle clock and a candelabra scurrying around on the floor screaming at each other. He stared bemusedly at them, wondering if perhaps he needed more sleep, when it occurred to him that some of the screaming sounded very familiar.

“Rodney?”

The clock stopped its pacing and screaming to look up at him. It was missing both the minute and hour hands, and two eyes glared up at him from where the number 12 should have been.

“About time you got here,” it snapped.

Radek sighed, then said into his radio, “Dr. Weir, I believe we have a problem.”

*

The clock-- or rather, Rodney-- insisted that it be taken to Elizabeth’s office, rather than having her come to the lab. The candelabra, which turned out to be Major Sheppard, refused to be left behind. Radek mumbled something about never leaving candles unattended, and felt very foolish carrying a clock and a candelabra through the hallways.

However, Elizabeth’s reaction was well worth it.

“This is the problem?” she asked, perplexed.

“I would think that having me turn into a clock would be a problem!” Rodney snarled.

“He’s just mad that he’s not the one who can make all the ’hot’ jokes.” The Major smirked.

Elizabeth stared at them in silent shock for ten seconds. Then she doubled over in laughter. Rodney huffed. Sheppard chuckled. Radek smiled.

Elizabeth laughed until tears were streaming down her face. When she was able to speak again, residual giggles kept surfacing.

“How d-did this happen?”

Radek swore that the clock-- Rodney he told himself firmly in his head-- looked uncomfortable at that.

“I…don’t know.” Rodney turned to look at Sheppard, who was lounging against the laptop on Elizabeth’s desk. For all his appearance of ease, Radek noticed that Major Sheppard was keeping an eye on his candles, presumably to ensure that he didn’t drip all over the laptop. “Sheppard, you weren’t monkeying around with any devices, were you?” His voice was sharp and suspicious.

“Like I told you before Zelenka found us, no.” Sheppard sounded lazy and unconcerned with the fact that where his hands used to be, there were now burning candles. Radek was struck with a sudden apprehension that Sheppard’s hands and head were going to burn away, and when he finally turned back into himself (Radek was sure they would figure out a way) he would be a headless, handless corpse, and then they’d have to get used to a new military leader. For that matter, who was next in line?

Radek pulled himself back from his musings to hear Sheppard continue. “Besides, why would the ‘Lanteans make a device that would turn us into not so inanimate objects?”

Elizabeth unsuccessfully stifled another giggle.

*

It was Ford who pointed out the resemblance to Beauty and the Beast.

“No, really, look! Dr. McKay looks just like Cogsworth, and Major Sheppard looks just like Lumiere!”

This had made Radek stare at Ford in confusion. Who were Cogsworth and Lumiere? Frenchmen, from the sound of the latter’s name. Apparently, Elizabeth knew who these characters were, for it sent her off into a fresh bout of hysterical laughter. Radek tried to take comfort in the fact that Teyla was also confused, but then, she would be, what with being from the Pegasus galaxy.

“I am afraid I do not fully understand,” Teyla told Ford gently after his second garbled explanation.

Ford looked frustrated for a few seconds before his face brightened. “I’ll be right back!” Leaping to his feet, he took off at full speed. Teyla raised her eyebrows at Radek inquiringly. Radek shrugged.

A half hour later, Ford return, waving around a glossy DVD cover displaying animated figures, one of whom was furry and brown, the other being a pretty girl in a yellow dress. “Dr. Weir, may I use your laptop?”

Elizabeth had managed to calm down in his absence, but she had to stifle some giggles as she nodded her head. Radek frowned. He had not realized that the laptops came with DVD players. And who brought this movie to Atlantis as his or her one personal item?

Major Sheppard and Rodney, who had been quietly-- somewhat-- sniping at each other suddenly ceased.

“No talking during the movie, McKay,” the Major said in a falsely sweet voice. Rodney glared.

*

The women of Atlantis seemed to be more interested in the Major’s candelabra form than in Rodney’s clock. Rodney was, perhaps understandably, a bit jealous.

The Major smirked. “Hey, you just tick. I’m hot.”

Rodney took off, running towards Sheppard and flailing his little clock arms-- Radek had decided that these would have been decoration if Rodney were a real clock-- and looking murderous. Radek picked him up off the table and held him at arms length.

“No, Rodney,” he said firmly. “You must not kill the Major. I do not want to deal with change of personnel.” Radek eyed Sheppard disapprovingly. “You should not provoke him.”

“But it’s fun.”

Radek sighed. It was like babysitting children while trying to work. Radek didn’t like children.

*

“It’s not a medical problem,” Carson protested.

This, Radek knew already. Carson was merely trying to get out of keeping the little Disney characters from killing each other. “You take them,” he said insistently.

“Couldn’t Ford…”

“No. Offworld.” Radek peered through his glasses firmly. “I cannot work and keep them from killing each other at same time. You take them.”

Carson looked slightly panicked. At another time, Radek might have been amused by this, considering it was a clock and a candelabra causing the panic. Now, he wanted very much to go to sleep, but he had hours of poking through Atlantis’ computer systems in the hopes of coming up with something. Anything.

*

Radek, unlike Rodney, knew when to take a break. When he could no longer see straight, he took himself off to his quarters, and purposefully turned off his radio, so that Carson could not wake him with pleadings to take the little monstrosities back.

When he woke, Atlantis was in pandemonium. Or, at the very least, Elizabeth’s office was. She had asked him to report there as soon as he’d turned his radio back on.

Ford and Teyla, along with one of the other teams, had made contact with a group of people called the Plansala, who had seemed willing to trade. Their ‘ambassador’ seemed very fascinated with Rodney and Sheppard. To Radek’s horror, Rodney was brandishing a pair of scissors. At first, he thought Rodney was threatening Sheppard with them, until he realized that it was the ambassador that the shears were pointed at.

Elizabeth was caught between suppressing laughter and dismay that the first meeting with a new people was not going well. Ford wasn’t even trying to pretend that he wasn’t laughing. He had his head thrown back and was clutching the side of Elizabeth’s desk for support.

“I don’t trust him!” Rodney shrieked, and the scissors flailed menacingly. In the back of his mind, Radek wondered where Rodney got the scissors. He really didn’t think that Elizabeth was in the habit of keeping a pair on her desk. “He seems far too fascinated with how Sheppard isn’t burning up!”

“McKay,” Sheppard drawled, smiling easily, “now not only are you sounding paranoid, you’re sounding jealous.”

Rodney seemed far crankier than usual. At first, Radek had written this off as Rodney being irritated at being transformed into a clock, but now Radek wondered if perhaps really the problem was the size. Trying to contain Rodney’s usual crankiness into a smaller space could be resulting in venting more of it than usual.

*

Radek muttered in Czech at them. It sounded much more menacing in Czech than it would in English, he though in satisfaction. Never mind that if he said it in English, the two little troublemakers would laugh at him.

He was really very tired of having Disney characters underfoot. Particularly when they were literally underfoot, and he did not want to be responsible for having trampled the head scientist and the leading military officer of the Atlantis expedition in one accidental kick.

Radek nearly squashed one of Sheppard’s little candle arms as it flailed under his foot. Briefly, he not only feared maiming the Major, but also catching his foot on fire, until he remembered that the Major’s candles had yet to catch anything on fire, no matter how many times Sheppard had forgotten he had candles for hands and was careless. He had yet to drip wax off those ordinary white tapers, and they had yet to burn any lower. Radek had, on a number of occasions, nearly been lured away from finding a way to turn them back in favor of doing tests on the flames. They looked real, but how could they be if they did not follow the laws of the universe?

*

Radek had heard rumors that Teyla had viewed every screening of Beauty and the Beast-- it had been shown several times, to Rodney’s dismay. Radek knew that she could not have…during one of the showings, she had very kindly stayed in the lab to keep Sheppard and Rodney out from underfoot in the corner where Radek had unsuccessfully ordered them to stay. Yet, something about the story did appeal to her, and he knew that she’d watched it several times. He found this strange, as she had not struck him as the fairy tale type. Perhaps it helped that the heroine did not need rescued from a tower.

What Radek found more puzzling was the origin of the movie. No one claimed it as their own, so the owner must be contented to let Ford show it to the entire Atlantis expedition in several showings. If Ford had known that this would happen, Radek would suspect him of bringing it along, but the unlikelyhood of Ford bringing it along just for his own enjoyment was very, very slim. Radek did not really care so long as the way to turn Rodney and Sheppard back did not remain such a mystery.

*

“Aha!” In his excitement, Radek turned too quickly and tripped, sending his heart up into his throat until he remembered that Elizabeth was keeping an eye on Rodney and Sheppard that afternoon. That they were all together was perfect-- he had good news.

Sprinting through the hallways, Radek muttered excuses to the personnel he dodged, skittering to a stop in front of one of the transporters. He slid inside, indicated his destination, and took off running as soon as the doors opened again. He realized after jogging halfway down the hallway that the person inside Elizabeth’s office was not Elizabeth at all, but the Plansala ambassador who had shown such interest in Major Sheppard.

Radek slowed, and squinted his eyes. Was the ambassador holding a match up to the Major? As Radek sped back up, silver flashed in the office, and the ambassador straightened, clutching his bottom. Rodney was once again brandishing scissors on the desk, and apparently had just come to Sheppard’s rescue. It reminded Radek so forcefully of a scene from Beauty and the Beast that he slowed down once more, this time due to laughter.

By the time Radek reached the door, Elizabeth was coming up behind him. He did not need to look to tell she was displeased; it was radiating off of her in waves. She brushed past him as he clutched the doorway for support and tried to stop laughing.

Taking a staunch position in front of her desk and crossing her arms, she asked sternly, “What is going on here?”

Rodney looked slightly less triumphant. The ambassador was clearly trying to decide whether to act repentant or as though Rodney’s attack was unprovoked. Major Sheppard stood at attention-- Radek almost went off into fresh gales of laughter.

“Apparently, the ambassador’s curiosity got the better of him, and Rodney here saved me.”

Although Radek could only see the back of Elizabeth’s head, he was sure her eyebrows went up at that. Unable to contain himself, Radek added, “It was like scene from movie… very touching.” He very quickly stiffled a snicker and tried to look perfectly serious as Elizabeth looked around at him.

“Dr. Zelenka, would you be so kind as to take Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay down to the lab?”

“Of course, Dr. Weir.” Zelenka stepped around her to collect his charges, then remembered why he had rushed up to her office in the first place. “I believe I have found solution to our problem.”

Elizabeth stared at him for a second before a dazzling smile spread across her face. “That is the best news I’ve heard all day. I’ll come to the lab right after I finish here.”

Radek grinned back.

*

Major Sheppard lounged against a table, while Rodney scrambled pell mell around the lab, clearly bent on catching up on everything he had missed from being a clock.

“So there’s nothing in the database that explains why the Ancients had technology to turn Major Sheppard and Doctor McKay into Cogsworth and Lumiere?” Ford asked.

“My vote is the ‘Lanteans had a wicked sense of humor,” Sheppard said. “The big question is where you got that DVD from.”

Ford grinned. “Ask the Doc.”

Rodney froze mid-stride and turned to stare at Ford. “Carson? He brought…?”

“I’m not saying that, just that you should ask him.” Ford looked positively gleeful.

“I wish to know what is to become of our trade agreement with the Plansala,” Teyla said inquiringly, shooting Ford a disapproving look.

“We aren’t trading with those people, are we?” Rodney threw over his shoulder, bending over a lap top and pointing out mistakes to Radek. Radek rolled his eyes.

“No.” Elizabeth smirked slightly. “I explained to the ambassador that we could not trust them if they were willing to put one of our people in jeopardy.”

“He did have the support of his people to experiment on Major Sheppard then?” Teyla asked, looking slightly shocked.

“So he said, and none of his people have tried to contact us to clear up any misunderstanding.”

“Good. We wouldn’t want to trade with them anyways, with psychos like that.” Rodney suddenly stood up straight, looking troubled. “Except that they had those lovely…”

“Rodney,” Sheppard cut in, exasperated. “You were the one so adamant about not trading with them.”

“Yes, but….”

“We’re not trading with the Plansala,” Elizabeth said firmly. She then smiled. “It is so good to have you both back to normal.”

“About time too, I have a lot of poor work to fix…can’t leave these people alone for a second…” Rodney grumbled.

“Yeah, it’s nice to be full-sized again. Aside from that, things aren’t much different.” Sheppard inspected his fingernails, clearly waiting for someone to ask.

“Why is that, sir?” Ford asked, confused.

“I’m still hot.”

The end.

Crack fic!

2007-05-26T06:06:45Z

Title: Once Upon A Time, Amanda and Amber Did Not Have Enough Sleep
Fandom:Lord of the Rings The Fellowship of the Ring/LOST/Pirates of the Caribbean/Harry Potter
Authors: <lj user=taraamber> and <lj user=juniorfan29>
Pairings: You name it, we got it.
Rating: S for silly
Crossposted in: <lj user=juniorfan29> and <lj user=taraamber>
Spoilers: <b>Pirate of the Caribbean At World's End</b>
Disclaimer: Not ours. Though they should be. We do to better.

<lj-cut text="Once upon a time...">
Once upon a time, Gandalf found Sam in grass underneath the window. Sam said to Gandalf, "Don't turn me into anything...unnatural."

Gandalf said, "I have another plan for you. You gonna be my sex slave."

The horses went doo doo doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doot doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doot doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doot doot doo doo dooooo doo doo doot doot doot.

So then, Merry, the hobbit, while sitting by the campfire and later, while in the woods with a torch keept thinking, "Why do I feel like my name is Charlie, and I keep looking for a baby named Aaron."

Just then, Sawyer went running through the woods. A polar bear was following. Polar bear subtitles: <i>But baby, come back! I'm pregnant!</i>

Then the pretty elf lady, who glowed, came to get Frodo to make him all better. The pretty elf lady made the water turn into sea horsies, and they went doo doo doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doot doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doot doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doo doo doot doot doot doo doo doooooo doo doo doot doot doot!

Frodo was allllll better. Sam, his hobbity loooove, had been by his side the whole time. Sadly, Frodo started cheating on Sam with the one ring.

Later Will/Legolas met the other love of his life. Their eyes met over the one ring of power during the big meeting with the elves. It turns out Will was lying to Elizabeth about that whole every ten years thing. The truth is, he runs off to dye his hair blonde, put on his pretty elf dress and make goggily eyes at Aragorn.

All the people at the meeting fought over the ring, and it became apparent that Will cannot sit down and shut up. He likes to stand up for his boyfriend, which embarrasses Aragorn. Frodo's affair with the ring was also apparent at this time. He was going withdrawal.

His hobbity love, Sam, got jealous. "What can that piece of metal do for you that I can't?"

They set off on a road trip, and Will shot the Kraken with his bow and arrow to save Frodo. Then Frodo was getting jiggy with Will. Then Frodo got jiggy with Aragorn, because Aragorn carried him. Then Will caught his boyfriend Aragorn when the bridge went boom.

Then distant relatives of the Malfoy family, pretty elves, let them stay with them. Frodo has a love connection with this blond pretty elf lady who is distantly related to the Malfoy family.

Frodo looked in the pretty elf lady's pensieve and suddenly we have stumbled into a LOST flash forward.

After they have left the pretty elf lady, Boromir threw hissy fit, because Frodo has not gotton jiggy with him yet. He was very upset, and felt left out. Frodo ran away, which makes Boromir cry. "Frodo, come back, I love you!"

Upset that Boromir wanted to get in on the action, Frodo rebuffed Aragorn when he came around for a little fun. Aragorn was sad, but lets Frodo go back to his hobbity love, Sam. After all, Aragorn still had Will.

Moral of the story, Frodo gets around.

The End

Credits Roll

Dead guy goes over a waterfall, and Amanda says, "Didn't I just watch this movie last night?"

Crack!fic for your perusal.

2006-04-24T03:11:45Z

Title: Severus Snape Prefers Blondes
Authors: scrackbeeker and taraamber
Rating: PG-13 for severe crackiness
Pairings: That would spoil all the fun, to tell you! Let's just say, be warned.
Fandom: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Buffy tVS, Star Wars, brief mention of X-Men
Warnings: This is crack!fic. And boy, is it cracked out.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to someone else other than scrackbeeker and me. We just decided to play with them.
Dedication: To crack!fic lovers, of course.

One day, Snape looked up from marking big read F's on Gryffindor essays to find a girl standing in front of him.

"Professor, I think I need a bit of help with my Potions essay," said little Buffy, the Hogwarts 'Vampire Slayer', batting her eyelashes flirtatiously.

Willow, a brainy Ravenclaw, hovered in the background anxiously, as though wanting to make sure that Buffy wasn't going to get herself into trouble; and was pointedly ignoring the hobbit that kept tugging on her pant leg.

"I can help you with that!" cried Ron Weasley, rushing forward in a great hurry and nearly tripping over the rest of the males in the classroom - all of whom were now expert potion makers and offering their services to young Buffy.

Ron knocked over Willow ("Ouch!"), and squashed the poor hapless hobbit("Ooff!"), who had only been trying to get directions to Dumbledore's office, as Middle Earth needed his help.

Hermione stood nearby and helped the young witch and hobbit to their feet (all the while casting death glares at Ron's back as he fought for Buffy's attention), which was witnessed by the Fred & George as they passed by the open door with good friend Obi-Wan Kenobi tagging along.

"Ron's enamored of a blond again, George," Fred said with mock sadness, George nodding with an equally fake morose expression.

"Who's in love with a blond?" Draco exclaimed excitedly, popping up out of nowhere and smoothing back his multi-shade, luscious blonde locks.

Obi-Won rolled his eyes while the twins looked at each other with matching evil grins and said together, "Professor Snape, of course."

"Does he really?" asked the Malfoy boy, licking his palm and slicking back his already slicked back hair. "I always thought he had good taste."

Obi-Won's eyes stopped mid-roll and bugged out while the twins tried desperately to hide their snickers while choking out, "It's a student too"--lucky for them, Malfoy was too wrapped up in himself to notice their snickers.

Malfoy, oblivious to the antics of the Weasley twins and the Jedi Master, began to fight his way threw the crowd of students surrounding Snape's desk - only to bump hard into another blond with similarly slicked back hair. "Spike!"

Spike turned around and eyed the boy, muttering, "little copy-cat wanker," before saying in a louder, mocking high-pitched voice, "Draco!"

"Draco? Where?" Harry glanced around the room frantically, then remembered he and Draco need to keep pretending to hate one another. Else everyone in school would become more jealous than they already were of the both of them.

Hermione, having ascertained that Willow and the hobbit were both okay, and also having given the hobbit directions to Dumbledore's office, was back at the potions table with Harry, and looked at him sharpley. "Harry, is there something you would like to tell me?"

"Nothing, Hermione. Same as always. Wanting to kick Draco's arse." Harry told her, diverting his gaze from the babe-a-icious blondie to the hobbit scurrying out of the room. (Little did they all know that the hobbit would never get to meet with Dumbledore - as he was away visiting Professor X and helping the mutant community.)

"Hmmmm..." Hermione looked unconvinced, but was distracted by Ginny who had come looking for her brother but came up to their table instead as Ron was otherwise occupied; Ginny batted her eyelashes, much the same way Buffy had at Professor Snape minutes before, practically purring, "Hullo, Hermione."

Neville, who was sulking back toward his friends after a failed attempt to woo Buffy, noticed the looks being exchanged between Hermione and Ginny - perhaps his luck had finally changed and he would get to witness some kinky girly action! However, poor Neville's vision was blocked by a man waving a sword, a grouchy dwarf and a very pretty elf - all of whom demanded at once to know where they could find four hobbits.

"F-four h-hobbits?" Neville asked fearfully, as the sword looked rather sharp, and he had no idea where the hobbit bothering Willow had gone.

"I can show you the way to the Hobbits. Oh yes. Dobby can, sir. Dobby knows the way." The house elf smiled up at the three strangers.

The dwarf eyed the house elf with amusement before turning to the tall pretty elf. "Relative of yours?"

The elf narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to make a smart remark, but he was interrupted by someone poking him roughly in the chest. "Oh no. No! We have no more room for extremely attractive blondes in this classroom. Get out before Professor Snape sees you!"

The elf stared at this new person, wondering who would dare poke his prettiness so roughly. "Who is this Professor Snape?"

"Only the most deliciously evil teacher Hogwarts has ever seen," explained Filch before Draco could, as he dutifully swept the dungeon floor. Realizing that he did, in fact, say this out loud for the entire class to hear, Filch dropped his broom and covered his mouth with both hands.

The entire class gasped in shock, while a cruel smile curved Snape's lips. "Deliciously evil?"

The silence lasted for only a moment before the entire class erupted into near chaos as they began to debate whether or not Snape was the most deliciously evil teacher Hogwarts had ever seen.

Draco Malfoy was quite vocally insisting that Professor Snape was, in fact, the most deliciously evil teacher Hogwarts had ever seen, putting extra emphasis on delicious while casting what he probably thought were seductive glances in Snape's direction.

"Delicious? I'm sure Buffy would be delicious." Ron said quickly, trying very hard to put any connection of the words delicious and Professor Snape out of his mind for good. "Not that I will ever know...."

"You get used to it." Xander told Ron, clapping him on the back. "We sidekicks never get the girl."

Ron's mouth dropped open comically. "Never?" As in, never ever?" He looked longingly at Buffy.

"Nope." Xander said, a little too cheerfully. "That's why I've moved on to lusting after another blond!"

"Another blond?" Ron asked curiously, glancing around the room. Other than Buffy there was a rather pudgy boy whose name he could not remember, Spike, Malfoy, a pretty girl in tights carrying a bow. "Ummm... I'm not sure who you mean." Ron responded, looking the cutie in tights up and down.

Xander noticed where Ron was looking and clapped him on the shoulder. "Legolas is a pretty man, but that's not who I meant. I meant..." he paused, blushing slightly, and lowered his voice. "I meant Spike."

"That person with the bow is a MAN?!" Ron cried in disbelief, pointing at Legolas. This caused many heads to turn in his direction.

"I'll have to know that I am an ELF." Legolas said stiffly, barely heard over the chorus of laughter in response to his questionable sexual identity.

"Aye, but you are a very pretty elf," the dwarf said gruffly. Aragorn raised his eyebrows. "What?" Gimli said, "You're the only one allowed to think he's pretty?"

"Of course I'm pretty. All elves are pretty." Legolas insisted, generating more fits of laughter from the crowd. In addition, many of the young boys wandered away from our heroine Buffy to see for themselves just how pretty this particular elf was.

Meanwhile.... the Weasley twins and their favorite Jedi were plotting a most spectacular prank, as the whole of the classroom was preoccupied with slashy goodness. In between creating a threesome of slashy goodness themselves, of course, they worked on said prank.

Obi-Wan batted George's hand away, as it was creeping up his leg at an alarming rate. Fred had his arm slung around the Jedi's neck, leaning in a little too close while explaining the "fine details" of the prank.

"What do you think, mate?" Fred breathed into the Jedi's ear.

"Um?" Obi-Wan mentally cursed the twins. He was a Jedi, for the force's sake! He was skilled at concentration...he batted away George's hand again.

"Doesn't anyone like girls anymore?" Dean Thomas asked in frustration, catching a glimpse of the pranksters in the corner.

"I was just thinking the same thing." Cordelia replied, twirling a piece of hair around her finger and giving him a sexy smile.

"Now, listen!" cried Aragorn, standing atop a nearby desk and addressing the group of students, faculty and random visitors. "We're looking for four hobbits. There is a handsome reward for those who help us. What says you?"

A murmur spread through the crowd as they all contemplated this handsome reward.

"A handsome reward, huh?" Cordelia sauntered up to the desk that Aragorn was standing on, making sure to sway her hips extra. She could take that pretty elf any day! This ruggedly handsome man was sure to see what charms she could offer...charms that were far better than that elf's.

She peeked up at him through her lashes. "Exactly what is this handsome reward?"

"Gold!" Aragorn cried.

The group did not look impressed.

"Silver!"

The group groaned, looking even less impressed than before.

"Jewels!"

The group was no longer paying attention.

"Should've offered them the elf." Gimli told him, shaking his head.

Aragorn considered this, then shouted, "I will give you the elf!"

Legolas looked insulted. The group broke out into pandemonium, everyone clamoring to be the one to receive the pretty elf. Unfortunately, they all had conflicting information.

It was at this point that the Weasley twins and the Jedi unleashed their prank. Obi-Wan used the force (with some regret, as a Jedi-master should not use the force so lightly, but the twins were very persuasive) to send Aragorn flying into Professor Snape. The twins drew great attention to this by cat calling, and declaring at the top of their lungs that Professor Snape, contrary to popular belief, evidently preferred brunettes to blonds.

The END!

The Reluctant Mary-Sues (Harry Potter)

2006-01-16T20:55:57Z

Title: The Reluctant Mary-Sues
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: PG for insanity
Warning: Crack!fic and Mary-Sue!fic all rolled into one.
Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe was created and is owned by JK Rowling. The rest of us just like to muck it up.
Note: I wanted to expand this into a bigger fic, but I think this might be as much as anyone can handle as it is. ;-)
Dedication: For juniorfan and scrackbeeker. (Girl One and Girl Two.)

Once upon a time--because that’s how fairy tales start--there were three girls. These girls were friends, and of course, had their own names, but perhaps it would be best to call them Girl One, Girl Two, and Girl Three. The girls, as our story begins, were going about their mostly normal daily lives, completely unaware that something amazingly fantastic was about to happen to them. They were rather surprised when it did. Happen to them, that is.

They were all walking at them time, but in different places with quite a bit of distance in between all three, and were not paying attention to where they were going. They all bumped into each other, which according to laws of physics, should not have happened. However, it did, and they looked at each other in surprise.

“What are you doing here?” Girl Two asked in some surprise. Neither of the other girls had the chance to reply before a bat-like figure descended upon them.

“Girls! Follow me!” Snape said, an unpleasant expression twisting his face. Girl One snickered. Girl Two stared, then looked him over appreciatively. Girl Three squeaked in fear and hastened to comply.

Snape shot a look at Girl One before leading the way, almost smiling at her. Girl One looked vaguely disturbed. Girl Two glanced between Snape and Girl One, somewhat disgruntled. Girl Three was still terrified.

Snape led them to Dumbledore’s office. En route, Girl One whispered, “Does anyone else think it’s strange that we’re suddenly in Harry Potter land?”

“I’ve thought that since Snape came along.” Girl Two sent Snape another appreciative glance.

“I’m impressed that you realize that this is not an ordinary happening,” Snape said, standing aside to allow the girls to enter through the door revealed by the Pheonix statue. He smiled, baring his yellow teeth at Girl One, pointedly ignoring Girl Two. Girl Three slipped past him, pathetically pale and trembling. She looked as though she might pass out at any second.

Dumbledore was speaking to Sirius Black’s head in the fireplace. Girl One promptly began to drool. Girl Two rolled her eyes. Girl Three was two busy shooting nervous looks at Snape to notice.

Sirius noticed the girls as Dumbledore turned to greet them. “Hey, good looking,” he said to Girl Two. Girl Two’s eyes widened. Girl One sent Girl Two a dirty look. Girl Three was surprised enough that she quit looking nervously at Snape.

“Say that to her, not me. She’ll appreciate it.” Girl Two indicated Girl One.

“There should be one more person joining us, I think,” Dumbledore announced, as if real people dropped in on their fictional world all the time and got hit on by Snape and Sirius. “Severus, you had better go let him in, as I imagine he should be arriving any moment now.”

Snape inclined his head, before shooting a look of longing at Girl One. She shuddered with disgust and Girl Two sighed. Dumbledore smiled benignly as Sirius hurled every pick up line he could think of at Girl Two, who pointedly ignored him. Girl Three began to relax now that Snape was not looming over the girls. Her relaxation was brief, however.

Draco bounded into the room. He looked around quickly before fixing his rather intense gaze on Girl Three. “You!”

“Me?” Girl Three looked at him blankly.

“You are my mate!”

“Mate?” Girl Three squeaked, mild horror on her face. Girl Two raised an eyebrow. Girl One stared at Draco.

“Yes. I’m part Veela, and by the time I turn 16, I must find my mate and consummate my love with her! You are her! I can feel it!”

“Consummate?” Girl Three squeaked, and promptly fainted. Draco rushed over to her, catching her in the nick of time before she hit her head on the floor, raining kisses all over her face. When she woke up, she squealed “Ewww!” and shoved him away.

Once they were sure their friend was okay, Girl One and Girl Two looked at each other and burst into laughter.

“We’ve been sucked into a fanfic!” Girl Two gasped out.

Girl One managed to get out “We’re Mary Sues!” before collapsing again in giggles.

“I don’t want to be a Mary Sue,” Girl Three wailed miserably, attempting to fend off Draco’s advances.

Snape chose that moment to re-enter the room. His hair, no longer greasy, looked as though it had been washed very recently, and his teeth were now a blinding white. “I’ve decided to clean up my appearance for you, darling,” he crooned to Girl One.

She looked as thought she might be sick. “I don’t want to be a Mary Sue either.”

Girl Two glanced over at Sirius’s head, still in the fire, leering at her in a disturbing manner. “Neither do I, especially if he decides to floo here.”

Dumbledore looked at them penetratingly, yet with a twinkle in his eyes. “Now, are you sure, girls?”

“YES!” All three said.

“As you wish.” Dumbledore pulled out his wand and waved it.

The three girls were back in their own world, though not where they all started out at. They were all together, in a rather convenient spot.

Girl Two said, “Well, that was…”

“Weird?” Girl One finished for her.

“Yeah.”

Girl Three said nothing, but kept glancing around nervously, as though she expected Snape to swoop down on them at any moment, or Draco to come carry her off to “consummate his love with her.”

The End.

Help & Candy (Buffy tVS)

2006-01-16T20:38:38Z

Title: Help & Candy
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Author: taraamber
Rating: G
Warning: Geekiness and fluff.
Note: Written for the contrelamontre love challenge in 23 minutes.
Disclaimer: The Trio belong to Joss Whedon. I just like to borrow them for play dates. ;)
Summary: Jonthan and Andrew on an afternoon without Warren--it's almost like old times.

Jonathan plies Andrew with promises of candy and tells him he can help with the project Jonathan is working on when Warren isn’t looking. Leans over, whispers a few sentences in Andrews ear, and is sitting up straight again, looking bored when Warren looks over. Luckily, Andrew manages to not flush pink at the idea of getting to help while eating candy. Jonathan knows Andrew better. Can manipulate Andrew far easier than Warren can…but Jonathan doesn’t like to do it. He feels guilty.

When Warren stands up to leave--Jonathan knew he was getting itchy to get out-- and turns and asks, “Andy, want to come?” Andrew shakes his head. Warren shrugs and quirks an eyebrow at Jonathan. ‘What about you, Sparky?”

Jonathan’s surprised that he even gets asked. That’s how Warren tries to manipulate Andrew…making him feel special. It works well, because Andrew’s still a little boy in so many ways, looking for attention, but giving him simple things works even better.

Jonathan shakes his head too, eyes darting over to Andrew. “Nah, I got things I have to get done.”

Warren shrugs and leaves. The door is barely shut before Andrew has bounded up out of his seat. “Where’s the secret candy stash? What can I do to help? Why doesn’t Warren get any candy?” This last question is tacked on, like Andrew just thought of it.

Jonathan grins. “Because he’s not helping.”

Jonathan gives Andrew little things to do, but not so little that Andrew wonders why Jonathan bothered to ask for help. They slurp on hard candies and laugh at the colors they leave their tongues and lips and teeth. It’s almost like they’re kids again, before they knew Warren. This is why, but Jonathan still feels guilty. He doesn’t want to be like Warren, because he has the sneaking suspicion that Warren doesn’t really care.

When Jonathan runs out of things for Andrew to do, he suggests they take a break and digs out his box of Babylon 5 novels…some of which still have Andrew’s scrawl inside. Andrew turns bright red, but Jonathan just laughs. He says he doesn’t want to keep them all. There’s too many, and does Andrew want any?

“Really?” Andrew lights up like it’s Christmas and Jonathan is Santa Claus. Jonathan’s still fond of all the books, but he figures if he really wants to reread one of the ones Andrew picks out, Andrew will let him borrow it.

Andrew impulsively hugs Jonathan, babbling thanks and muttering, “You’re great. You’re really great. You’re my best friend, you know that right?” It’s weird and kinda girly, but Andrew’s weird and kinda girly sometimes.

When Warren comes back, the secret candy stash is hidden again, there’s a stack of Babylon 5 novels in Andrew’s room, and Jonathan and Andrew are lounging around reading comic books.

“What did you two do while I was gone?”

“Oh, you know.” Jonathan says, glancing at Andrew, who flushes slightly and smiles giddily. Warren doesn’t notice. “Stuff.”

Virgin Sacrifice = Lance

2006-01-16T20:32:08Z

Title: Virgin Sacrifice = Lance
Fandom: Nsync
Author: taraamber
Rating: PG for sacrificing
Warning: Implied "Trickyfish" and one sided "Joshtin," as well as the sacrificing of virgins. This fic is on crack.
Note: Written for the contrelamontre sacrifice challenge in 50 minutes. Once again, this fic is on crack.

Lance is quite sure that Hawaii or some place with volcanoes is where there is supposed to be virgin sacrifices. Yet there is a very solemn man and an equally solemn woman facing them…and they just said that there needs to be a virgin sacrifice to atone for the group’s mistake. Lance knew that performing for an organization that might just be a cult was a bad idea. Stupid management. He isn’t even really sure what the guys and he have done wrong. The worst part is, he thinks they want to sacrifice him. Is there some mathematical equation that says virgin sacrifice = Lance? He’s what, the logical choice?

“Why don’t they want to sacrifice me?” There’s Justin, making the looming sacrificial festivities an insult to him, and also proving that Lance isn’t the only on who thinks they want to sacrifice Lance. “I’m the youngest.” Justin’s protest for whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. Unless forgetting that he is the youngest will get him what he wants.

The other guys just stare at Justin, no doubt marveling, as Lance is, that Justin is technically implying that he wants to be sacrificed. But Lance has a feeling that none of the other guys realize that Justin would be quite happy to be almost sacrificed, providing JC swooped in to save him at the last minute on a white horse. Of course, the rest of the guys don’t have to share a room with Justin and find out things they really would rather not know.

Then Joey says something to make Lance cringe. “Dude, if I were going to make a virgin sacrifice, and I had to choose between Lance and you, I would choose Lance.” Lance feels embarrassed that he’s more of a virgin than Justin is, and Lance is the one who’s 18.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Justin asks even though he seems to know what Joey means. He looks the perfect picture of someone who is outraged over the fact that his virtue is in question.

JC places his hands on Justin’s shoulders. “Chill, Justin. Take a deep breath, ok?”

“I would sacrifice Justin instead of Lance,” Chris says conversationally. “I mean, Lance is legal now, and all.” Lance isn’t sure what Chris means by that, but he is now convinced that the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it too.

“So why aren’t we sacrificing Lance?” Joey looks about as confused as Lance feels.

Chris puts an arm around Lance. “We’re an old married couple, so you can’t.” Lance resists the urge to bury his face in his hands and concentrates on keeping the heat that’s creeping up his neck from his cheeks. He should really be used to Chris saying things like that by now, but he still blushes anyways. He’s also still confused.

Apparently Joey isn’t still confused. He nods his head wisely. “It’ll have to be Justin.”

“Guys,” JC protests, but Justin doesn’t look like he minds. He’s got that dreamy look in his eyes that makes Lance think he is picturing himself in a long, flowing white robe waiting to either be sacrificed or rescued.

“You don’t mind being sacrificed, do you, Justin?” Joey asks, sounding as if he is really offering Justin a treat. In a twisted way, he is, in Lance’s opinion.

Justin snaps out of his reverie. “You’ll come rescue me, won’t you JC?” he asks sweetly, and Lance turns a snicker into a cough.

“Um?” is JC’s reply.

Up until this point, the man and the woman have remained silent. Now they burst into uproarious laughter. After some minutes, when they manage to catch their breath, they manage to gasp something out.

“We don’t sacrifice people, virgin or no.”

“It was just a joke.”

Lance stares at them and suddenly feels very, very stupid.

Familial Bliss (Nsync)

2006-01-16T20:22:44Z

Title: Familial Bliss
Fandom: Nsync
Author: taraamber
Rating: PG for JC and Justin writing music on the other bus ;-)
Warning: "Trickyfish" and straight!Joey
Note: Written in 55 minutes for the contrelamontre travelling challenge. Stay tuned at the end of the ficlet for a convo between me and Joey. ~~Scared?~~

The bus had stopped 10 minutes ago to admit the sugar high Leprechaun. The evil Overload was not pleased with this, Joey was sure. The evil Overlord was hunched over his laptop, a furrow between his eyebrows as he glared at the screen. The sugar high Leprechaun had been wise thus far and left the evil Overlord alone. In fact, the sugar high Leprechaun had meekly gone into the lounge area and turned on the TV, keeping the volume discreetly low. This was uncharacteristic of the sugar high Leprechaun, but Joey was unwilling to let this bother him much (since he had a pounding headache) outside of asking the sugar high Leprechaun why he had been relegated to the evil Overlord’s bus.

“JC and Justin are writing music,” he said simply.

Joey nodded wisely. When the cool cat Maestro and the young Boy Wonder wrote music together, it was better to stay out of the way. Having solved this minor mystery, Joey shuffled to his bunk and crawled inside. The gentle sway of the bus made the pounding in his head lessen, and his eyelids grow heavy. He must have drifted off, for he was shaken awake sometime later.

“Joey. Come on, Joe, wake up.”

“What?” Joey finally mumbled. He tried to pry his eyes open and failed miserably. He recognized the voice, however.

“Chris is driving me crazy. You have to do something.” The evil Overlord sounded desperate. Joey hoped this didn’t mean he needed to get up.

“Come on, Joe, please?”

Joey tried once more to open his eyes and managed to succeed. He swung his upper body out of the bunk and craned his neck to look for the sugar high Leprechaun. It was uncomfortable, but it was better than actually getting up.

“Joe?”

Joey hummed. The evil Overlord was obviously losing his mind. The sugar high Leprechaun was sitting right where Joey had left him and was still watching TV. He glanced over curiously, and Joey swung his head around to look at the evil Overlord. “What is he doing that’s driving you crazy?”

The evil Overlord promptly launched into a garbled account (complete with dramatic hand gestures and arm swoops) of every little thing the sugar high Leprechaun had done since stepping foot on the bus. Joey’s mind was still foggy from his interrupted nap, but he picking up from what the evil Overlord said that the sugar high Leprechaun had not done anything. That was what had bothered the evil Overlord? Joey did not think that was it. The sugar high Leprechaun’s mere presence? But the evil Overlord liked the sugar high Leprechaun. The evil Overlord loved the sugar high Leprechaun. And the sugar high Leprechaun loved the evil Overlord. Joey’s mind cleared.

The evil Overlord squawked in a low key when Joey rolled out of the bunk. “You have been working on that stuff for two days straight, Bass. It’s about time you took a break. You should take your break with Chris. He will cheer you up and help you rest.” As Joey was saying all this, he steered the evil Overlord toward the bus’ couch seat, where the sugar high Leprechaun was sitting. He gently pushed the evil Overlord down next to the sugar high Leprechaun, and then curled up on the end himself.

The evil Overlord sat up stiffly until the sugar high Leprechaun said, “Lance.” Then he slumped over onto the sugar high Leprechaun’s shoulder.

There were a few moments of silence, and then, “Look at our happy little family. I am the father, you, Lance, are the mother, and Joey is our baby.”

“Chris.” The evil Overlord sounded amused. “Joey is older than me. And why am I the mother?”

“You’re the right type,” The sugar high Leprechaun said cheerfully. “And who cares if the child you birthed is older than you?” There was a pause. “Families don’t have to make sense, at least ours doesn’t,” he confided.

Joey smiled as he let his eyes drift shut once more. He listened to the quiet banter, and thought to himself that this was bliss. There on the bus with the evil Overlord and the sugar high Leprechaun.

Imaginary Joey: *glares*
Me: What?
I.J.: You said I wouldn't sleep in this fic.
Me: I said you wouldn't sleep the whole time. You don't. And the whole thing is from your POV.
I.J.: That's true...it wasn't all Lance and Chris exchanging witty banter the whole time.
Me: *nods head encouragingly*
I.J.: And I had witty names for all the other guys...
Me: *nods head and smiles*
I.J.: I didn't have a witty name for myself. *looks grouchy*
Me: There's just no pleasing you, is there?

It's Not Supposed to Change Anything (Nsync)

2006-01-16T20:15:16Z

Title: It's Not Supposed to Change Anything
Fandom: Nsync
Author: taraamber
Rating: PG for cold showers
Warning: "baby Joshtin" and implied Lance/someone else
Requested by: postingwhore Summer of 2004
Note: 479 words. Dialogue: "It's not supposed to change anything."

Justin skidded to a halt in front of the hotel room door and began to bang on it frantically. "JC...JC, please..."

The door was wrenched open and a hand shot out to yank Justin inside. JC did not look happy.

"Justin," JC said, in that patient voice that meant he was fast losing patience and was trying not to yell. "This is a hotel. There are people other than us staying here. You can't make that much noise, it's not respectful."

Justin nodded as frantically as he had pounded on the door. "S-sorry."

JC sighed and motioned to the bed. "Sit down."

Justin obeyed quietly and fixed his gaze on his knees. A few moments later, he felt JC sit down next to him. Justin swallowed hard. All the words he wanted to say seemed lodged in his throat.

"Justin." This time, JC's voice was gentle, but Justin couldn't drag his eyes away from his knees. "About the way you feel..."

"It's not supposed to change anything." The words burst out, surprising Justin, and from the brief glance up from his knees, it seemed to have surprised JC too.

Studying his knees once again, Justin felt miserable. It really wasn't supposed to change anything, at least not for a while. Not until Justin had outgrown this awkwardness. In a few years, Justin was going to put his plan for seduction into practice, but for right now, JC wasn't even supposed to know. Justin wasn't ready to put his plan into action-- he didn't even have a plan yet. Whenever he'd start work on the plan, he would always end up needing to take a cold shower. Lance would tease him, saying 'At least you don't use up all the hot water.'

The way things were supposed to go, Justin would watch JC to his heart's content, without anyone knowing (except maybe Lance). He was supposed to be able to crawl onto JC's lap with everyone including JC thinking it was perfectly innocent, and if he got hot and bothered from it...well, that was what cold showers were for, right? But now that JC knew...

Justin looked up, and found JC watching him.

"Don't you want it to change anything?" JC asked gently.

Sometime later, Justin took off his shirt to take a very cold shower. Lance's eyes landed on a spot on Justin's collar bone that was previously covered up.

"He didn't," Lance said in a awed voice.

Justin grinned.

"Does this mean you are going to start using all the hot water?"

Justin shook his head. "Not legal yet, remember?" Then suddenly, Justin realized something, without his own problem clouding his mind. "Besides," he said slyly, "Don't you take cold showers too?"

Lance blushed.

Nonfic posting

2005-12-23T20:06:57Z

taraamber is so cruel to me. I, as a good muse, inspire her, and all she does is tell her mother (and includes the problems with the idea. Do I have to do everything?). No mention in her livejournal post. *grumble*

We'll see if I inspire her at all over break to work on any of the stories she's started.

Amber:
Honestly. He's such a grumpy leprechaun. It might be because everyone else in my head has been calling him one of Santa's elves.

Anyways, he did give me some inspiration, which I do appreciate. A Stargate SG-1 story that might even be novel worthy. As in not a fanfic, but something to send in to (hopefully) get published. But as I have a few of those floating around and they have not gotten anywhere near to being ready to send to a publishing company, I'm not holding my breath.

*grumble* She could at least try to sound more positive about it.

Share and Share Alike (Buffy/Angel)

2005-11-05T17:25:34Z

Title: Share and Share Alike
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel
Author: taraamber
Rating: PG (I want to put PG-13, but really, there's nothing in here that's PG-13)
Warning: Threesome. Kinda.
Note: Drabble post! This one is the Andrew/AJ/Eri for berriest_eri. Just so you know, I had way too much fun writing this. *grins* 282 words. Written in August of 2004. This is really supposed to be a missing scene of that one Angel episode where Angel and Spike go to Italy, try to find Buffy, but find Andrew instead. I turned the two girls Andrew left with into Eri and myself, because that is what Eri requested.

Andrew was no longer feeling the confidence he thought he felt back at the hotel, when he was talking to Spike and Angel. There he felt like he could conquer the world with an angel on one arm, and what might just be the devil on the other.

He was not sure which was which. Everytime he thought he had it figured out, they would switch roles. Right now, Eri was the devil, sliding her foot up his leg, while AJ sipped her drink innocently.

The problem was, Andrew wasn't entirely sure Eri's foot wasn't rubbing his leg in some sort of attempt to better reach AJ's leg. The way they kept looking at each other, the winks that were exchanged...

The music changed, and with it, the roles reversed. AJ leaned across him to breath in Eri's ear, "Wanna dance?"

They were gone in a flash, but it turns out they didn't go far, because Andrew had a perfect view, and neither one was an angel now.

The song ended, and they were back to pull him out of his seat and onto the dance floor. The force be with him, was that legal?

They were both angels on the ride back to the hotel. Andrew once again got the feeling that they were more interested in each other than him, and were, for the moment, politely not making it obvious.

He felt that way up until he got shoved on the bed.

"You don't mind if we share you, do you?" Eri was asking in his one ear. "We love to share the things we love."

"And we love you," AJ said in his other ear.

Andrew had no objections.

Love's Illusion (Harry Potter)

2005-11-05T17:16:26Z

Title: Love's Illusion
Fandom: Harry Potter
Author: taraamber
Rating: G
Warning: Spoilers for Book 5, and I suppose, arguably, Book 6 (even though it wasn't out yet when I wrote this).
Note: For scrackbeeker: Remus/female, 245 words, "It's love's illusion I recall. I really don't know love at all." Written in August of 2004. No, I am not that good...I got the idea from another fic I read. Though I must say I did feel rather satisfied while reading Book 6, even if I was surprised, because that just came out of no where.

Tonks stared at Remus Lupin with round eyes. She hadn't meant to say that...she hadn't meant to say that at all.

Lupin sighed. "I suppose Sirius told you, before he..." He trailed off, looking sad.

Tonks felt sorry for him. He had lost his friend, and some time before the events in the Department of Mysteries, she had found out from Sirius about Emmeline Vance.

"Yes, Remus really fancied Em back in school," Sirius had told her. "They even dated. Poor bloke took it hard when it didn't work out." It had to be horrible, seeing her all the time on account of the Order.

"Do you still love her?" Tonks asked tenatively.

Lupin didn't answer for a moment, his eyes fixed on a faraway point, and when he did finally speak, his voice took on a dreamlike quality. "It's love's illusion I recall. I really don't know love at all."

Looking at him, concerned, Tonks touched his arm. "Remus?"

Pulling himself back to the present, he smiled at her. "No, Tonks, I don't still love her. I don't think I ever did...at least, not the way you mean."

"Oh." A ball of tension in her stomach, that Tonks hadn't even realized was there, dissapated. "You really don't know love at all?" That suddenly seemed as sad as when she thought Lupin had lost his love.

"No...not yet, anyway."

Something about the way he looked at her spread warmth from her center.

It's Listening In, Not Eavesdropping (Nsync)

2005-11-05T17:08:04Z

Title: It's Listening In, Not Eavesdropping
Fandom: Nsync
Author: taraamber
Rating: G
Warning: Gratuitous use of the Leprechaun, because he took over.
Note: For duckduck: Baby Lambs, 469 words, "Are you sure that's supposed to fit in there?" Chris kinda took over the ficlet, sorry about that. Written in August of 2004.

Chris gleefully pressed his ear to the hotel room door, indulging in his new favorite hobby, since he had a few spare minutes. Joey wasn't quite finished, and JC always took forever to get ready.

"Did you find it?" Lance's voice asked on the other side of the door.

"Yeah," was Justin's reply.

The babies are rather boring tonight, Chris thought in disappointment. They could at least rant about how they're being left at the hotel again.

"Chris, what are you doing?"

Chris jumped and looked around. "Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Joe?" He tried to look innocent.

Joey eyed him suspiciously. "I'm talking about how it looks like you're eavesdropping on the kiddos."

"I'm not eavesdropping!" Chris sounded scandalized. "I'm listening in! Join me, Joe." Once more, Chris pressed his ear to the door. Joey did as well, though reluctantly, as though it was against his better judgement.

"Are you sure that's supposed to fit in there?"

"Trust me, it will fit," said Justin's voice confidently.

"Sounds pornographic, doesn't it?" Chris whispered, grinning.

Joey took a step back from the door and looked at it thoughtfully. "What if it is?"

Chris's head whipped around and he stared at his bandmate.

"You didn't honestly think they've just been 'hanging out' just because you keep calling them 'the babies,' did you?' Joey grinned while Chris sputtered, then went on. "Have you ever noticed how one of their beds is always artfully mussed up to make it look as though both have been slept in?"

Before this has properly set in, Chris had yanked open the door and charged in. He had only noticed that the two 'babies' were in boxers and t-shirts when he started talking.

"So you two have been shagging and you never bothered to tell me?" Then he realized that instead of preparing to 'do it,' Justin and Lance were repacking Justin's suitcase; the contents having been scattered about. Chris turned to look reproachfully at Joey. Joey shrugged.

"Chris, we haven't..." Lance's face was red, and he gestured helplessly at Justin.

"We've only made out, and er...cuddled." Justin was equally red-faced.

Chris brightened. "Good!" There's time for me to talk to you about the birds and the bees. Now sit down, sit down..."

As Justin and Lance sat down on one bed, and Joey on the other, Chris launched into a long, rambling, and rather boring speech that seemed to have a lot to do with actual birds and bees. When all three of his listeners appeared to be on the verge of dreamland, JC inadvertantly came to the rescue. In about five minutes, JC, Joey, and Chris departed.

Justin yawned. "Thought they'd never leave."

"Tell me about it," Lance agreed with a yawn of his own.

They crawled under the covers, and turned out the light.

What Came After (Nascar)

2005-11-05T16:59:04Z

Title: What Came After
Fandom: Nascar
Author: taraamber
Rating: PG
Warning: Tony Stewart kissage. ;)
Note: This is one of the drabble/ficlets that juniorfan29 requested. A surprise pairing, and this dialogue: "Did he just hug and kiss a man on national television? I KNEW he couldn't be straight." Not my best piece of writing by far, but it should make you laugh, or at least smile. This is dedicated to scrackbeeker, since the dialogue came straight out of her mouth. ;) Written in July of 2004.

Dale Jr. was minding his own business (ogling some rather attractive female fans) when he overheard two girlfriends of his fellow racers talking. They seemed to be discussing an interview, and sure enough, when he glanced over his shoulder, the two women had their eyes glued to a portable television, no doubt watching the pre-race interviews. However, while he was still looking at them, their eyes widened, and one of the women nudged the other with her elbow.

“Did you just see that? When Tony popped into the screen?”

The other woman nodded, eyes still wide, and seeming to have a problem believing what she just saw. “Did he just hug and kiss a man on national television? I KNEW he couldn’t be straight.”

Junior raised both eyebrows, unsure if he had heard right. He continued to drop eaves unashamedly…or, as it is more commonly known, eavesdrop unashamedly.

The first woman was talking again. “I can’t believe it. Tony Stewart is crazier that I thought. I can’t believe he just did that.”

“Did you see the look on…” the other woman started to say, but Junior had heard enough. He moved off, grinning devilishly.

Some minutes later, he tapped an orange shoulder. “Hey, Tony, how come you’ve never kissed me?”

Tony Stewart grinned. “There’s enough of me for everybody.”

“But I thought we had something special, man!” Junior did his best to pout without laughing.

“Well, in that case…” Tony said slyly, and before Junior knew what was happening, Tony had planted a smacker on his lips.

Missing Link (Nsync)

2005-11-05T16:51:23Z

Title: Missing Link
Fandom: Nsync
Author: taraamber
Rating: PG
Warning: A scary red sweater, and JC's truly frightening outfit.
Note: Wrote it for the contrelamontre grocery list challenge. There had to be 4 men/boys or women/girls that had a central role (JC, Justin, Chris, Lance), 2 instances of striking fashion (JC's outfit, Joey's sweater), 3 red objects (tinted mirror, Joey's sweater, Lance's face), and a violin. I wrote this in 43 minutes in January of 2004.
Summary: The boys lose Joey in a large fun house, so they split up to find their 'missing link.'

“Where’s Joey?”

“What?” Chris looked very irritated at the interruption of his monologue. Lance was supposed to be listening to him, not wondering where Joey went.

“Where’s Joey?”

Justin stopped making faces in the red-tinted mirror that made him look like some kind of demon and turned around. “He’s not here?”

JC tore his gaze away from the mirror that made him look fat for a long enough moment to look around for Joey. “Looks like he’s not.” He twisted his body to see another angle. “Do I look hot as a fat man, Justin?”

Justin tilted his head to the side and stared at JC’s reflection. “Maybe you would if you weren’t wearing that purple zebra-striped shirt. That on a fat man is disturbing.”

“Oh.” JC surveyed the reflection critically. “I guess you’re right.”

“I think that shirt is disturbing no matter what,” Chris muttered. “Especially with hot pink pants.”

“I think we lost Joey.”

“He’ll find us.” Justin started to move forward.

“We’re in a huge fun house, full of trick mirrors. It’s not going to be that easy to find us.” Lance looked worried.

“So let’s split up and look for him. I get Lance!” Chris grabbed Lance’s arm and hauled him off in the direction they had come. JC and Justin trailed after them.

Coming to a place where the passage had split in two, Chris started to drag Lance down the passage they hadn’t taken. “You two divas take the way we came and look for our missing link. Remember, if you see something big, red and hairy in a mirror, it’s probably Joey. He wore that awful furry sweater of his.”

“I like that sweater on him,” Lance protested. “If you find him, bring him back here,” was tossed over his shoulder as they disappeared around a bend.

JC started to walk, but stopped when he realized Justin wasn’t beside him. “Come on, what are you waiting for?”

Justin pouted. “He picked Lance over me. I’m his best friend.”

JC pretended to play an invisible violin. Justin didn’t notice.

“I’m more fun to have an adventure with than Lance. Chris won’t have any fun looking for Joey with Lance.”

JC continued to play his invisible violin. Justin noticed.

“Stop that,” Justin muttered petulantly.

JC dropped his arms with a grin. “You love me more than Chris, you just like to complain.”

“No I don’t.”

JC tucked his hand in Justin’s elbow and propelled him forwards. “You don’t what? Love me more than Chris or complain a lot?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You are lucky you are with me. I am the brave Kirkpatrick!”

“Right.” Lance resisted the strong urge to roll his eyes. Chris was always trying to impress him with his bravery.

A creepy noise brought them to a halt. “What do you think that was?”

“Something for you to fight to prove your bravery,” Lance said dryly.

The noise repeated itself. Chris gulped loudly, causing Lance’s eyebrows to elevate on his cranium. “I’m not scared,” Chris said quickly.

“Right.”

They moved forward again, but slower than before. Rounding a corner, Lance let out a squeal…a very manly squeal, on account of that dang deep voice of his. He latched onto Chris’s arm. There was something large, red and hairy ahead.

“Want me to hold your hand?” Chris sounded amused.

“Shut up.”

“Bet that’s Joe.”

Lance stared at him. “Huh?”

“He’s wearing that ugly red sweater, remember?”

Lance blushed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin and JC returned to the appointed meeting place without Joey, but not before they had fun with the mirrors. Both were grinning like idiots when Lance and Chris brought their missing link back.

“Guys, you won’t believe what Lance….”

“Shut up, Chris.”

“But it was cute….”

“I said shut up, Chris.”

Lance’s face was as red as Joey’s sweater.

Desolation (Frankestein)

2005-11-05T16:44:30Z

Title: Desolation
Fandom: Frankenstein
Author: taraamber
Rating: G
Note: A "missing portion" of one of Robert Walton's letters to his sister, written during the time Victor Frankenstein was relating his tale to Walton. I wrote this in 35 minutes for the contrelamontre traveling challenge in February of 2004.

My dear sister, I cannot explain how much Victor has come to mean to me. I am much grieved that he still insists that any future friendship should be impossible. He has suffered much tragedy, but the human mind and heart is very capable of healing, with time. I feel that he would like to reciprocate my feelings of friendship, but he keeps himself from doing so, outside the intimacy of sharing his story with me. Even his story, which contains such details as one would only give to those closest to one’s heart, is veiled as merely a warning. Perhaps I am imagining things, and in wishing for such intimacy, I have believed to have found it. And yet…I shall recount to you an incident that occurred some days ago.

He was recounting a particularly painful part of his tale, and try as I might, I could not keep my emotional response inside. I had refrained before, that he might be comfortable telling his story, for I had sensed he would prefer that I remain merely a listener who takes notes to later give the warning to others. This time, however, I stretched out my hand to place it on his own. His hand was ice cold, in spite my best efforts to keep him warm. It is as if he were emanating the coldness from inside.

He raised his eyes to mine, and from them radiated a warmth that almost negated the coldness of his hand. There was pain in his eyes, and he did not smile with his lips, yet…through the pain a smile shone in those dark emotive orbs, shining with unshed tears. I felt tears spring to my own eyes, this one moment so moved me! We sat there, my hand on his, for some moments, looking at each other, until the ice shifted, causing the boat to rock slightly. The spell, the moment, was broken. How I have longed to recapture that moment! He went back to his tale, and I went back to my note-taking, though I wished to say something. I ignored my wish, for I felt it was not the time, and held my tongue.

I want to find words to convince him that all is not lost. He may yet have a new life, with new friends, among whom I very much desire to number. The look in his eyes made me feel that I may convince him. And yet, I know in my mind that there is nothing that I can say that will sway him. I fear, yes I fear very much, that I will lose the friend I have waited my whole life to find before this voyage is through. Yet my heart holds out hope that I only need stretch out my hand once more to save him. So am I a fool, or a true friend?

First Entry!

2005-11-02T19:24:04Z

Who thinks the Ambler should write a Guy Fawkes day fic?

I think she should.

Amber: I don't have time to write a Guy Fawkes day fic, though I do like the idea, even if it comes from you.

Chris: Hey! You can't pop in here like that! Make comments or something.

Amber: Why? You used to do this to me all the time. Besides, let me remind you that you are merely a voice in my head, not another personality that can take over my body. I could completely ignore you and not let you post things.

Chris: Why can't you have multiple personality disorder? This writer's skitzo stuff is not so much fun.

Amber: Not so much fun for you. *looks smug*

Chris: *pokes brain cell*

Amber: Ow!